You Don’t Have To Have It All Figured Out

What if letting go of the need for a perfectly planned life was the key to true happiness and self-discovery? In this episode of Tea with Tanya, we unravel the beauty of embracing uncertainty. I challenge the societal pressure to always have a clear, linear path to success. Discover how the myth of certainty can hold us back and how allowing ourselves to embrace the unpredictable can lead to genuine growth and inner peace.

We focus on the grace found in life's unexpected twists and turns. I share how self-compassion has been a cornerstone in navigating my own setbacks and redirections, encouraging you to be as kind to yourself as you would to a friend. Learn why it's crucial to let go of the need to control everything and trust the process instead.  I highlight the importance of speaking kindly to oneself and having faith in your ability to overcome challenges, leading to something even better than you imagined. Tune in for an episode filled with encouragement and a fresh perspective on life's beautiful uncertainties.

Chapters

• 0:00 Embracing Life's Uncertainties and Journeys
• 11:19 Finding Grace in Life's Uncertainties
• 15:22 Navigating Life's Uncertainties With Compassion

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to Tea with Tanya. I'm your host, tanya Ambrose, an average millennial navigating life as a maternal health professional, non-profit founder and grad student. Join me in the tea tasting room where we spill the tea on finding balance and promoting positive living while doing it all. Hey friend, welcome back to another episode of Tea with Tanya, where we dive deep into the conversations that matter, the stories that shape us and the lessons that guide us as we continue to transform every aspect of our lives. I hope you have done something for yourself within the last week since we last met here in the Tea Tasting room. If you have not, my friend, I'm encouraging you, after you're done listening to this episode, to go and do something that's going to bring you some sort of peace or joy, whatever it is, something that's going to put a smile on your face, doesn't matter how big or small it may be. I'm encouraging you to do that because we need to be taking care of ourselves. Okay, good, now today we're going to be talking about a topic that I think many of us need to hear, myself included, and that is you don't have to have it all figured out, we don't, okay, we've all been there sitting in silence, overwhelmed by the weight of expectations, feeling like the clock is ticking and the pressure to have everything figured out is suffocating. If you're in that place right now, my friend, I want you to know that you're not alone. I myself have been there. Too Many of us have. Okay, there's an unspoken pressure that society places on us and sometimes, if we're being honest, we place it on ourselves. We're expected to have a roadmap for our lives. We're supposed to know exactly what we want, where we're going and how we're going to get there. By a certain age, we should have a successful career, a thriving personal life and a clear sense of purpose. But let's just be honest here, and it's easy to know how many of us truly feel like we have it all figured out. If you do, please go comment or send me a DM. Let me know what you did, how you got here, but how many of us truly feel like we've had it? We have it all figured out. To be honest, my friend, the truth is life.

Speaker 1: 2:16

What I'm realizing is that life isn't a linear path. It's full of twists, turns, unexpected detours hello me and sometimes even complete U-turns as well. We tend to set goals and make plans, but oftentimes life has other ideas, and that's okay. In fact, it's more than okay. It's a normal part of this whole human experience. So today I want to talk about why it's perfectly fine not to have all the answers, and how embracing the unknown can lead to some of the most impactful or profound growth and self-discovery. Coming from a girl who's had many failures, had to pivot, it's been a lot thinking that I was going to be in a different position than I am now by a certain age. So definitely that's.

Speaker 1: 2:58

We're going to start by addressing the myth of certainty because, let's face it, we live in a world that glorifies certainty and those who seem to have a clear direction, those who tend to move through life with a sense of unwavering purpose, and then we end up shunning doubt, those of us who may have some doubts. Here and there we end up getting shunned. We've seen on social media that we end up getting bombarded with messages that tells us we need to have a two-year plan or five-year plan, a dream job, a perfect relationship and a well-defined you know sense of self. But what if I, your friend Tanya, told you that this obsession with certainty can actually hold us back? And it's something that I've experienced personally, because I've come to realize that certainty, in many ways it's like an illusion, it comes like a comforting story that we tell ourselves, but it's not necessarily our truth. It's not the truth For me. When we think about certainty, I think what we're really craving is that security, a guarantee that everything will work out exactly as we planned.

Speaker 1: 4:01

But life doesn't come with guarantees, and I'm sure you hear that on numerous occasions. Life doesn't come with guarantees. The people we admire, the ones who seem to have it all figured out, are often just as uncertain as we are. They've just simply learned to navigate their uncertainties with grace, and that's a skill that we can all and should develop as well. Because the truth is is when we are fixated on having everything figured out, we can become paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong decision. I don't know about you, but I have been paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong decision. I have to overthink everything we tend to. We might stay in a job that doesn't fulfill us because, again, it's safe and it's familiar. We might remain in relationships that no longer serve us because we are afraid of being alone. We might even suppress what our true passions are and desires because they don't fit into the quote unquote plan we've created for ourselves. Okay, but here's the thing, my friend this life here, especially post 2020, we all know the way of the world shifted and changed in 2020. We all know the way of the world shifted and changed in 2020.

Speaker 1: 5:06

Life is full of uncertainty and that's where the magic usually happens. It's in the moment of uncertainty that we get to discover who we really are and what we truly want. It's in those moments that we learn to trust ourselves and our ability to navigate the unknown. Because there's a particular strength in admitting that you don't have all the answers, because you could not tell me a couple of years ago that I didn't have all the answers. In my mind, in my crazy mind, I had all the answers to everything. I could tell you that I was going to be married at 23, have two kids by 30. I was going to be getting paid millions. You could not tell me I wasn't going to have this before I got to 30 years old.

Speaker 1: 5:49

Okay, but when you're acting like you don't have all the answers, it's in those moments of vulnerability where our true courage is found, not in the certainty of a well-laid out plan, but in the willingness, my friend, to move forward even when the path is unclear. So if you're feeling the pressure to have your life perfectly aligned, take a moment to ask yourself really and truly whose expectations are you trying to meet? Are they your own or are they the expectation of others? Because I have tried to meet the expectations of others. That was recovering. People pleaser here.

Speaker 1: 6:23

So sometimes we get caught up in trying to live up to what we think we should be that we, in that moment, forget to honor who we really are and what we truly desire. Remember again it's okay to forge your own path, even if it looks different from the one you thought you would be walking, okay. So how do we move away from this need for certainty and embrace the journey instead? And that's that's a tough one. That's a tough lesson that I had to learn and I still sometimes think that I'm still learning that one of the most important lessons I've learned is that life is about the journey and not the destination.

Speaker 1: 7:00

When I tell you in 2014, not 2015, 16, when I failed out of nursing school and had to pivot and I can mention in the previous episode about purpose, you know I had to have like a coming to Jesus conversation with myself. You know, and that's when I realized that you know my life here, no matter what plan I have, it's more about the journey and not the destination, because we can always move and change the destination. You know my neighbors like to travel and go see the world. You know we're going to go to Africa one time and we're going to go to Europe, all these different things. The destination can always change. It's just about the journey to get to that destination, of course.

Speaker 1: 7:32

Yes, I know it sounds like a cliche, but it really is true. It's about the journey and not the destination, because when we focus too much on the end goal, we miss out on the beauty of the present moment that we're in. Many of us in the social media age, we tend to take a bunch of pictures and videos because we gotta oh, we gotta post it I gotta post my Instagram story that sometimes we're not even always present where we are. So when we focus too much on that end goal, we miss out on the beauty of the present moment. We tend to overlook the small victories, the lessons learned and the experiences that shape us along the way. It's like being so fixated on reaching the top of the mountain that we forget to appreciate taking views on the way up. Like for me, I'm doing this podcast. I have over 100 episodes by way of being consistent. That was a golden dream of mine.

Speaker 1: 8:19

One of my biggest goals or dreams in life was to have a non-profit organization and I have that. And sometimes because I'm so fixated on reaching to the top that I'm forgetting to appreciate where I am as a founder and a CEO, where the nonprofit is where we once were from a thought to a concept to actually impacting people's life that I have forgotten to actually stop, take a break to smell the coffee and really and truly just look at the small victories that I've had in my life. So sometimes we really have to just stop to take in that view. Oftentimes they tell you you know, stop and smell the coffee. You have to because you can get so carried away that you're not even enjoying that moment. When I tell you in this podcast I hope you've done something for yourself every time we talk, you know. Again, it's just taking time to say I made a to-do list from Monday to Friday. On that list I was able to accomplish three out of five goals. That's still something major. That's something to celebrate. You know what I mean.

Speaker 1: 9:15

So embracing the journey means accepting that we're all works in progress, because we all are. It means giving ourselves permission to grow, to change and to evolve, because we are ever evolving. It means recognizing that it's okay to not have all the answers right now no-transcript. I remember a time in my life when I was so focused on what I should be doing that I lost sight of what I actually wanted to be doing. You know, I was checking all the boxes like you know what? Ok, I finally found a career I can have in public health. I had a long term relationship, personal goals, but for a while something felt off, something felt totally off, and it wasn't until I allowed myself truly by way of therapy, I will say to step back, reflect and really and truly learn to let go of the need for certainty, that I began to rediscover my true passions and my desires. Let me tell you that's what you call. It was just liberating to know that you know what. I can trust myself, I can let go of what's not serving me because I was so fixated on the end goal or what I thought my life should look like, you know, and that was never the case.

Speaker 1: 10:27

Sometimes I feel like when we're having to embrace uncertainty, it's like standing on the edge of a cliff. Or if you're in Antigua, standing at the top of Bolly Peak and looking out into the unknown, you know, that can be terrifying, but it's also where all the magic in the world can happen. Sometimes. Some of our greatest moments in life can often happen not from certainty, but from the willingness to step into the unknown, to explore, to take a risk and to grow. Because when we allow ourselves to embrace uncertainty, we're going to open the door to possibilities we have never, ever, imagined. My friend, it's in those moments of uncertainty that we discover the strengths that we didn't know we have. You know the potential that we didn't know we could tap into, and even new passions as well. So I think it's in the uncertainty that we find out who we really are, not who we were expected to be Like.

Speaker 1: 11:19

For me, like I've said before, I bought a new chair and adrenaline is my go-to thing. Consistently. Sometimes I fall off, sometimes I'm back on, but what I've been doing is writing out where I thought my life would have been at a particular age, or even at the age that I am right now and where I am right now. So I want you to think about a time in your life when things didn't go according to plan. Maybe it was a job that didn't work out, a relationship that ended or a goal you didn't achieve in the time frame that you wanted to. At the time it might have felt like a failure or a setback For me again, feeling the nurse in school. But now, looking back, can you see how that moment of uncertainty led you to where you are today, my friend, how it shaped you, taught you and maybe even brought you closer to your true self? Think about that. You could not tell me I was not going to be the Christina Yang of nursing or being a nurse practitioner, but failing, having many setbacks on my academic journey. And now, looking at where I am right now, that journey, that pivotal point in my life it has shaped me, taught me and even brought me closer to my truer self. So I'll just end those questions.

Speaker 1: 12:30

There's a certain type of beauty in the unexpected. I've come to learn In the twists and the turns that life is going to throw our way. It's always a reminder that we're not in control of everything and that's okay. We don't have to be. Sometimes, you know, really and truly, the best thing we can do is to let go of the need to control aka me and just simply allow life to unfold in its own time and in its own way.

Speaker 1: 12:54

One of my mantras in life is that nothing happens before its time. Even in recent times when I've set a goal and I wanted to accomplish that goal by a certain time and it did not happen, I have to tell myself nothing happens before it's time. And then I'm living to see the goal that I wanted in a particular time frame actually come through, and that's when I'm able to take a break, take a break to look and see. Had I just waited, I would be. You know, nothing happens before each time as well. You know what I mean. So, yes, sometimes we've got to embrace that. Let go of the need to control and just allow life to happen. It just has to happen.

Speaker 1: 13:29

Now let's talk about self compassion, because I had a therapy session and I was, I remember, just talking about how life was and me not being where I want to be, and again thinking about step eight, without even trying to tackle what step one is going to be, and my therapist, basically, was telling me I need to practice self-compassion not in that exact way, but that's what I got from it at the time but self-compassion, it's a vital element when you're navigating the uncertainties of life. We can be so hard on ourselves, we can be so freaking hard on ourselves. We berate ourselves for not being further along, for not having all the answers for making mistakes, because we are human. But I want you to hear me Clearly, my friend, when I say this listen to me good, listen to me real good. My friend, you deserve grace, you deserve understanding, you deserve to be kind to yourself. I'm going to say it again you deserve grace, you deserve understanding and you deserve to be kind to yourself.

Speaker 1: 14:29

So when you're feeling lost or overwhelmed, imagine you're talking to a friend who's going through the same thing. What would you say to them? Would you tell them that they were failure or not having it for not having it all figured out? Would you tell them that? Absolutely not. You would offer them some sort of comfort, reassurance and encouragement. You would remind them of their strengths and their resilience, would you right? That's what we do when we're friends we show up for others. So now. I want you to offer that same kindness to yourself. I've had to do that because I find myself always encouraging, supporting others who may be going through something similar or just, you know, dealing with overwhelming, the overwhelming aspect of life, and I'm like, why can't I tell myself this? How can I tell it to them but not myself? So when we talk about practicing what we preach, the same comfort, reassurance and encouragement you'd give to your friend, I want you to offer that same kindness and grace to yourself, my friend.

Speaker 1: 15:22

When you're feeling lost or unsure, remind yourself that it's okay. It's okay to not have everything figured out. It's okay to change your mind, to take a different path or to even start over. One thing I'm going to say it is really okay to start over, because life is not a race and there's no one size fits all timeline for success. There's just not. If there were, we all would be good where we are right now.

Speaker 1: 15:46

So self-compassion also means just acknowledging that it's normal to have doubts and fears. We all have moments when we question ourselves and our choices. But instead of beating yourself up for it, try to see these moments as opportunities for growth, my friend. Ask yourself what can I learn from this? Or how can this experience help me become a better version of myself? So these are some questions you should be asking yourself. But it's fine, it's normal to have doubts and fears. If we didn't have doubts and fears, then I'll be sad. I knew that that means you have a need to be successful, but of course, you want to think about what you can learn from this and how this experience can help you become a better version of yourself.

Speaker 1: 16:25

Now, self-compassion isn't about just ignoring your struggles or pretending that everything is fine when it's not. No, I'm not saying that. It's simply about acknowledging your challenges while also recognizing your worth and your humanity. It's about giving yourself permission to not have it all together and understanding that this doesn't make you any less capable or worthy, and that's something that I had to struggle with for a number of years. But now you can't tell me that I'm not worth it. Okay, I am worthy, all right.

Speaker 1: 16:50

The journey to self-compassion can be a very, very long one. It wasn't easy for me to give myself grace or show myself compassion. Sometimes it's still not easy, especially if you spent years being your own harshest critic, because nobody's going to criticize myself like me. Okay, I don't care what you may say. Listen to this podcast telling me, tanya, you talk too fast, or your tone. I've been there. I've spent years being my own harshest critic, so it took me a while to really and truly get to a place where I can practice and show myself some sort of compassion as well, because it's really a journey that's worth taking, I can tell you that much. So you want to start with small steps. You want to practice speaking to yourself with kindness, take breaks when you need them, okay, and remind yourself that it's okay to be a work in progress. It really is, and I want you to. I want to encourage you to try this practice that I do. I've been doing, I've done it on and off for years now, but now that I'm in an era of elevating and wanting to transform my life and just live authentically how I want to, every time I see a mirror yes, I'm talking about a mirror that senior reflection back at you.

Speaker 1: 17:53

Every time you see a mirror, my friend, I don't care if you're in a public bathroom, you're in your bathroom at home. You're in your bedroom looking at your mirror. When you're taking your selfies to show your outfit, you could be in a furniture store and you're looking for, shopping for mirrors, or you walk past one. Whenever you see a mirror, my friend, I want you to repeat something that's going to uplift you, some sort of affirmation, whatever it is. Just tell yourself something positive whenever you see a mirror is. Just tell yourself something positive whenever you see a mirror, even if you're at work or you're opening a compact mirror because you're trying to apply your lipstick or your lip gloss, whatever the case, whenever you see a mirror, practice speaking to yourself with kindness. Repeat some sort of affirmation. It can be something as simple as I am beautiful, you're worthy, whatever it is. I encourage you to do that because it's okay for us to be a work in progress.

Speaker 1: 18:41

One of the most powerful things we can do when we don't have it all figured out is to really truly just trust the process and that may just sound like it's something easy to do. It's not. But just trust that life is unfolding exactly as it should, because, remember again, nothing happens before it times it's time, even if sometimes it doesn't always make sense in the moment, because I hate when things don't make sense in the moment but trust that every experience, every challenge and every setback is leading you to where you're meant to be. My friend, this doesn't mean sitting back and doing absolutely nothing. I'm not saying that. It means taking action, making choices and moving forward Even when you're not entirely sure where the path will lead you. It means having faith in yourself.

Speaker 1: 19:28

I was talking to a friend the other day and I told that friend you know you have to trust yourself and lean into your faith. Lean into that faith and you know, having faith in yourself and your ability to handle whatever comes your way, because life gone life, Life be life in honey, life be life in okay. But trust yourself and just have that faith and believe in yourself that you're going to be able to adjust and adapt to whatever is going to come your way. Sometimes you don't even know if there's something to figure out. You just know you have to get started on the first step and not worry about steps 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Everything, honestly, can't be figured out at once, if you're being honest, because you don't even know what's in the first step. So you need to do that first step before you can even get to the point of trying to figure out whatever it is that you're trying to figure out. Okay, because I've learned that sometimes the most unexpected detours can lead to the most beautiful, incredible destinations the job you didn't get, the relationship that ended, the plan that fell through. They're not failures, my friend. They're just simply redirections guiding you towards something better, something that's more aligned with who you are and what you truly want.

Speaker 1: 20:35

One of the hardest things to do when we feel lost or uncertain is to let go, like letting go of the need to have it all figured out, letting go of the timelines we've set for ourselves and just letting go of the expectations that continue to wear us down. But here's the thing when we let go and this has been a very hard lesson that I had to learn when we let go, we create space, space for new opportunities, new ideas and new ways of being, and I can personally attest to that. Letting go doesn't mean giving up, and I feel embarrassed even saying this. But at one point in my life I thought letting go meant giving up, and I'm like you know, I'm going to go get it. I'm not going to give up. I am very persistent, you know, because perseverance is key, but for too long I kept thinking that letting go meant giving up, but it doesn't. It means releasing that grip that we have on the way we think things should be and opening up ourselves to the ways that things could potentially be. It really means trusting that, even if we don't have all the answers, we're still on the right path. Even if you don't know exactly where we're going, we'll get there in our own time and on our own way, because, again, nothing happens before it's time.

Speaker 1: 21:46

So, my friend, we're getting ready to go, but I want you to take a deep breath right now. I don't care if you're folding laundry, driving to work, in your booth, in your cubicle, at work, wherever you are. I want you to take a deep breath, inhale deeply and, as you exhale, imagine releasing the need to have it all figured out. Feel the weight lift from your shoulders. I know you know what I'm talking about. The tension is going to ease from your body. And just allow yourself, my friend, to simply be this moment, without judgment, without pressure and without any sort of expectations. Trust that you are exactly where you need to be, even if it doesn't look like what you imagine. Trust the process. Trust the journey that you're on. Trust that the journey that you're on is unfolding in its own perfect way, and that each step you take, no matter how small or how big, is going to bring you closer to where you're meant to be.

Speaker 1: 22:51

As we come to a close of this episode, my friend, I want to leave you with some words of encouragement. If you're feeling lost, uncertain or overwhelmed right now, know that you are not alone, because life is a journey filled with the ebbs and flows, and it's okay, my friend, to have moments of doubt and even confusion. But here's what I know for sure you are capable, you are resilient, you have within you the strength to navigate whatever comes your way. And even if you don't have it all figured out right now, that's okay. You're on your way and that's what truly matters. Remember, my friend, that it's okay to take things one step at a time. It's okay to change your mind, to try new things, to explore different paths. Life is not a race. We know that. Life is not a race and there's no need to rush. We're not trying to be Usain Bolt out here. Okay, trust the process, Trust yourself and trust that everything is unfolding exactly as it should.

Speaker 1: 23:51

So to you, my friend, listening right now, I want you to take this message to heart. If you don't remember anything I said, take this message to heart. You don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to keep going, keep showing up, keep learning, keep growing and know that wherever you are on your journey, you are exactly where you need to be. Thank you so much, my friend, for joining me here in the Tea Tasting Room for another episode.

Speaker 1: 24:14

If this episode resonated with much, my friend for joining me here in the Tea Tasting Room for another episode. If this episode resonated with you, I'd love for you to share it with someone who might need to hear this message as well. Share it on your social media. Tag me. Let's just, you know, continue to spread joy.

Speaker 1: 24:30

So until I see you here in the Tea Tasting Room for the next season, take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself and remember you've got this. I can't wait to be back here between the tea tasting room. I have lots of things in store for you for a new season. You know we're going to elevate and take things up a notch as we work on finishing this year strong. Remember again, my friend take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself and remember you've got this. You've got this. Thank you for joining me for another episode of Tea with Tanya. If you liked this episode, be sure to share it with a friend. Don't forget to follow on Instagram at Tea with Tanya podcast. Be sure to subscribe to the weekly Tea Talk newsletter and, of course, rate on Apple or Spotify and subscribe wherever you listen. See you next time. I love you for listening.