Lessons I’ve Learned In Romantic Relationships With Michele

Can romantic relationships thrive without self-awareness and open communication? Join Michele and me as we discuss our personal journeys through dating. From my heartbreaking end to a long-term relationship to Michele’s wisdom on choosing compatible partners, we share invaluable lessons on love, self-growth, and recognizing red flags.

Tune in for an enriching conversation filled with relatable experiences and essential insights on building healthy, meaningful connections. Grab your tea and join us!

Be sure to follow Michele on Instagram and subscribe to her YouTube channel.

Chapters

• 0:00 Lessons in Romantic Relationships
• 7:14 Foundational Aspects of Romantic Relationships
• 19:33 Navigating Relationships Through Communication
• 24:10 Navigating Personal Growth in Relationships
• 32:47 Nurturing Relationships With Intention and Boundaries
• 39:19 Establishing and Maintaining Relationship Boundaries

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to Tea with Tanya. I'm your host, tanya Ambrose, an average millennial navigating life as a maternal health professional, non-profit founder and grad student. Join me in the tea tasting room where we spill the tea on finding balance and promoting positive living while doing it all. Hey friend, welcome back to another episode of Tea with Tanya, where we sip and chat about transforming every aspect of our lives. And today we're diving into a personal but relatable topic again, and that's going to be lessons I've learned in romantic relationships. So you're going to get you know, I'm spilling some of the tea here as it relates to the lessons that I hope I have learned in romantic relationships. But before we get into today's episode, I hope you've done something for yourself within the last week and if you haven't, you still have time to do something that's going to bring you peace. So grab your favorite cup of tea and let's get started.

Speaker 1: 1:01

Joining me today is a fave to the tea tasting room and that's Michelle, my girl, my friend, someone who's very popular here with my tea taster, so it's good to have her here. I think you know she's a good guest to have about this because she had a lot of experience and she's been my, she's been my listening ear to the ups and the downs and the in-between. She's seen me go. She's seen me you come back alive. Listen, she's just been there. So of course I had to bring her in the tea tasting room to help us for this episode. So welcome to the tea tasting room, michelle. How are you hey?

Speaker 2: 1:36

hi everyone, hi tea tasters. And I'm doing well, I cannot complain, or I try not to. But yeah, I'm doing well, can't complain.

Speaker 1: 1:51

So are you ready to get into today's episode, as we're talking about the lessons?

Speaker 2: 1:53

that we've learned in romantic relationship. Listen, she said, I am so experienced but we won't see, because, yeah, I'm single.

Speaker 1: 2:02

Listen, we are in the same boat, but for me, like I said on the podcast before, I am someone who I have to always learn the hard way. I don't know why I've been trying not to make this be a thing for the last decade now, but I've always had to learn the hard way when it comes to friendships, relationships, whatever it is, whatever ship it is. I often learn the hard way because sometimes I tend to overlook the red flags, whereas Michelle, on the other hand, when she peeped that red flag, she, you know. You know she's standing 10 toes deep on her ground. Okay, me, on the other hand, I gotta see the red flag. I'm milling them one time, like the stop sign could be right there, big and bold. Sometimes I ignore it, just for, you know, thinking about the potential of a person.

Speaker 1: 2:46

So for me, you know, I've been in a long-term relationship, so for almost a decade that sadly came to an end, not, you know, amicably, as, as the the young people say, but it's still, it still was heartbreaking. Then, you know, you venture into quote-unquote, trying to date, because I did an episode prior talking about why dating is not for me, because I'm'm just not a person, that I'm a romantic girlie. So when I have feelings for a person, you know I think about the future. How are we going to start our family? Will we get married? You know, the fantasy world is what I start thinking about, and I'm realizing now that I tend to put others before me because I am I am, somewhat over recovering people. Please, I'm not the 100% yet, but I do put a lot of people ahead of me. I want to enter relationships, romantic relationships. They can. I become this nurturer and I want to make sure everybody's happy. And I'm doing, doing, doing. I'm giving 100% most of the time to that person, whereas most times it's not always reciprocated to me as well.

Speaker 1: 3:47

And I have tolerated that for a number of years and you know, I finally found the strength to be like. You know, I can't do this. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but I had to choose myself. And then you're realizing that, you know, dating someone who's also a narcissist child isn't dating someone who's also a narcissist or selfish or could not give me, let's say, 50 of what I was looking for. It's just a big no, so, um, so that's.

Speaker 1: 4:12

That's kind of my mini journey when it comes to romantic relationship. I'm just tired of people taking advantage of my kindness, and then I realized that some people how I love and how I show love, or the love languages, whatever we want to call it. Not everyone is going to always be receptive to that, and that's not a bad reflection or representation of me as a person. I'm not perfect. I'm not claiming to be perfect either, but I'm realizing that you know in recent times that people are just not ready to receive the way in which I give love. So I mean, what can I do about that? What about you? Who are you in a relationship?

Speaker 2: 4:47

Well, I don't have that much experience in being in long-term relationships. I think that that's one of my biggest issues when it comes to romantic relationships. I just sometimes, just like you, have chosen wrong. Sometimes I do not stand on business when it comes to seeing something, knowing it's not for me and bouncing. I think, generally, we humans love potential. We love to know that potential is there.

Speaker 2: 5:24

Who am I? In a romantic relationship, though? I'm very thoughtful, I'm very giving, I'm very loving, I can be somewhat how do I put it? I wouldn't say that I'm selfless. Generally, I think I'm. I can be a selfless person, but it all depends on the type of relationship that I'm in. But it's always about me first, which could be bad as well as could be a good thing in certain relationships. So I think, in a nutshell, that is how I am in my relationship I love love. I am in my relationship, I love love. I also know that it's more sometimes than love. Even in romantic relationships there's other things, that there's other qualities that I need from my partner and my partner probably requires from me. So I think that that's me in a nutshell in relationships, in romantic relationships, that is.

Speaker 1: 6:24

So you mentioned qualities of your partner. So what are some qualities you, you look for in a partner, and then we'll talk about what we learned.

Speaker 2: 6:31

Listen my qualities. I feel like my qualities are a whole list, so I'm not gonna go through all of my qualities, but one of my biggest qualities that I I need in my partner I I need my person to be honest. I also need that person to communicate well, because I like to talk. Anybody that knows me knows that I like to talk. I can be a quiet person, but once I am comfortable with someone, I will chat your ear off when I'm in the mood, and I also need someone that's very understanding and someone that's supportive.

Speaker 2: 7:05

I think those four pillars for me are like the main pillars of my person, or what I normally look for. Personality is also very important to me. Your personality needs to match my personality in some way. I'm very fun, I like to have a good time, but I'm also very introverted in some instances, and so there are times where I may not be as extroverted as I would normally be. So I just feel like when it comes to that, personality is big. I need to be able to laugh, like you can't be too uptight and too serious, like, ah, that work for me. If I'm not cracking up with you, it's not gonna work. So I think those are kind of like the main things, and then there's obviously other things that I look for, but those are some of the main things, and, of course, you have to believe in god. You don't necessarily have to be like baptized or anything like that, because I'm not reborn again, I'm not like baptized or anything like that, because I'm not reborn again, I'm not like baptized or anything like that, but you definitely have to believe that there's a higher power and that type of thing. So I think those are the main things that I look at, like those foundational things.

Speaker 2: 8:18

One of the things that I do look at, though and I'm getting on my list is getting longer and longer, and I'm getting on my list is getting longer and longer. But one of the things that I do look at is that person, how they are when they're angry, um, and I also look at how they treat people. Like if I go out on a date with you, like how are you going to treat the waiter? Like? Those are kind of some small things that I look at, because I think it tells me a lot like if you're going to be obsessive, if you're gonna be aggressive and I'm not saying men should have some sort of like a little bit of aggression, like be a man, you know, but like I said, like I do look at those things as well, because those things will tell me how you will treat me as a person down in the future. Um, so yeah, so those are just some of the small things that I I look at. It's not my, my whole list, but that's what's coming to mind right now.

Speaker 1: 9:05

For me, I know. For me, like you said, you have to have belief in a higher power. That's one you have to be honest, you have to communicate well and sometimes you know we're not always going to be the best communicator, but we have to have some level of communication, Something has to be there you cannot be, cannot be dense.

Speaker 1: 9:24

You know one thing that I look for and I sometimes I wonder if that's a flaw to an extent and you have to have a great relationship with your family, because family is big for me, so you have to have you have to have at least a close relationship with your mother, or you know your parents. Whatever the case may be and I've been fortunate enough to be in relationships with people who have a close relationship with their mother, also like to a fault, because it's like sometimes they can seem like the mom is more important than your partner, which again, you know I'm not taking it from from that relationship, but sometimes, you know, I've seen the struggle for it to for them to prioritize their mom versus their partner.

Speaker 2: 9:58

You know what I mean uh-uh, mama's voice for me is a no-no.

Speaker 1: 10:03

That's a lesson that I learned. You know what Be mindful. Be mindful of the mommy's boy. Okay, if we ask for one lesson that I've learned, when it comes to romantic relationships, be very mindful of mommy's boy. But for me, again, you know how you treat people. How do you react in a situation where it's not working in your favor? Because I know I'm crazy, I get barfed sometimes in certain ways, but I know when I wear. You know you have to be kind, respectful. Again, you're not going to be perfect. I need for you to dress well too, but that's just a surface level. But definitely be an active listener and just pay attention to what I'm saying. Be thoughtful, because I'm very thoughtful.

Speaker 2: 10:49

I'm a very, very thoughtful. I'm a very, very thoughtful person in a relationship and sometimes you just want that to be reciprocated. At least five percent at least. You know what I mean. Yeah, no, you want it a hundred percent. Come on like, if you are giving, if I'm giving you that, if, if that's what you require in your partner, you should, you should look for someone who's, who's gonna give you that same energy. A hundred and ten percent, not 5%, sweetie. 100. 110.

Speaker 1: 11:07

Eh, you know it's. No, that is true, that is true. So, you know, sometimes, as a woman, we're not asking for much. Just be open and upfront, that's all. That's all that it takes, you know, and I think once an individual can be that way, it shouldn't be that hard.

Speaker 2: 11:20

No it shouldn't.

Speaker 1: 11:21

Which takes us to the lessons that we've learned in romantic relationships, and I'm just going to go first and then you'll show yours, because for me I think I've learned. One of the biggest lessons that I've learned is the importance of communication, and while it may sound minor, let me tell you communication really is key. I personally, in early on in my relationships, when I was much younger, I didn't realize how crucial it would be to be open and honest with my partner, because I at some point in time would suppress who I am, so I would lie about, maybe, who I am or not show my true self, and I remember not wanting someone to Like. For me, the people who I've dated in the past you know I come from a family and I got to put it in, I was trying not to say, but I got to say is what it is If you're in Antigua and across the globe, depending on where you are, you know.

Speaker 1: 12:09

You know who, my family, who I come from, and you know you have to like, decipher and make sure you have that spirit of discernment so you're not just dating someone because you just don't know who's dating you for, who you are associated with, and I've had instances where people would date me or get in relationships with me because you know, oh, you're the daughter of XYZ. It was never for me as a person. So I for years had to suppress essentially being my authentic self. So when I would get into a relationship I would pretend essentially to be someone that I'm not. I mean I am in there, I'm there, but I'm not. I mean I am in there, I'm there, but I'm not my full authentic self if that makes sense.

Speaker 1: 12:47

And so, as a result of that, no, you know that that put me in a position because once, once you show up one way, you have to be consistent. You can't, can't be one way to the part and then in the blink of an eye you're somebody different. You know, you're switching up Like who are you, what are you doing? So, I think, just communicating. I guess that upfront, like I did.

Speaker 1: 13:08

The episode again the same one about why dating is hard. I mentioned, not necessarily dating outside of my culture, but now being open to the opportunity of doing so. So I think communication, the importance of communication, was one big thing that I learned because I've had partners who I had to like, force or pull them to even express how they're feeling or just to even have a regular conversation. And let me tell you, if you're with someone who cannot express themselves or choose not to, or they just want to shut down or not necessarily explain, it's a lot, it becomes overwhelming. It's a lot of hard work trying to get them to say things so that you both can be on the same page moving forward.

Speaker 1: 13:41

So communication, what it may sound minor, is very important. You know it may be cliche, but it is really important. And then, for me, a big thing that I've learned is to learn how to actively listen, because we can, we can speak on my, because I'm going to speak on my we can, we can speak on my. We can do X, y, z, but if we're not listening and making sure that our partner feels safe or heard, you know, then that's, that's, that's a recipe for disaster. And that goes vice versa as well too, because I mean, I may not be the best active listener I am trying now but also I need my partner to be um, to listen well as well, you know. So definitely, those are two of the big lessons, biggest lessons that I've learned is to communicate effectively and to practice active listening and not just listening to respond.

Speaker 2: 14:25

Right and I think that that's important, because I would say that that is definitely something for me that I have learned being in romantic relationship with the other sex, because I used to be someone that would not actively listen, because I'm waiting to hear if you think what I'm saying is wrong. And my birth sign? I'm a Virgo. You know what they say about them Virgos. Virgos are the biggest overthinkers. No, I'm not saying that I think generally women overthinkers. No, I'm not saying that I think generally women overthink. But Virgos, if you are a Virgo and you're listening to this, you know what I'm talking about. If you've dated a Virgo and you're listening to this, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Virgos are the biggest and I'm not into zodiac signs, but a lot about what they say about zodiac signs are actually, I would say, 80% true, but Virgos are the biggest overthinkers. And that is one thing that I have learned I need to be mindful of when I am in a romantic relationship is my overthinking tendencies, because my overthinking tendencies will go from zero to a hundred in a minute. So I will start off very positive about a situation. I'll be like, okay, this is where it's at and then, by the time I have overthinking has reached the limit. There's a whole new scenario. There's a whole new like it has gone to the deepest part of the end.

Speaker 2: 16:03

So one of the biggest things that I've learned in being in romantic relationships is my overthinking nature.

Speaker 2: 16:08

Now don't get me wrong as an overthinker. 99% of the time I'm not going to lie. I'm correct with what I was thinking, like if someone said something to me or, but it's just the level to how fast I can also turn left and I would agree that I was not someone that's listening to, actively listen and understand what you're saying. I'm listening to respond to you because there must be a little debate, because I need to prove my point, to prove my point, and I've realized that it's not about me proving my point and I can prove my point in not the aggressive way that I would prove my point before. So that is one of the things so I have to say like with you, I'm with you with that like where it comes to actively listening is definitely something that I've learned being in a relationship communication. That's why I said communication is something that I definitely look for when it comes to my partner, because I need my partner to communicate with me.

Speaker 2: 17:15

I need to know, what's going on like, like you don't have to tell me every single thing under the sun, but where there's issues or where I may have said something or done something that you didn't like, I need for you to communicate it, not 10 months later, not a month later, but be comfortable enough to communicate it with me in that moment, or maybe even a couple hours later. Honesty is something that I pride my. I am honest. I not even going to lie if I'm going to jail. No, I don't think grownups really need to lie, and one of the things that I don't need my partner lying to me. So that is one of the lessons that I've learned is I need to be friends with my partner first, because I think when you have developed a friendship in your relationship, that person needs to be comfortable. My partner needs to be comfortable with me. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone where, if I joke with him about something, he's going to think that I'm serious, or if he tells me boy, put it on some weight there, look at your, look at your bum, see, or look at your bum, and I'm taking it to the point where, oh, he's thinking I'm bad and he doesn't like me anymore, he doesn't love me, like I don't need to be in that type of relationship with a person, and I think that that's the one of the biggest things that I've learned, along with like being actively listening and communicating, is I need to be friends with your partner, I need to be friends with my partner and vice versa. I should be able to be like, babe, this guy just told me he wants to take me out on a date and we laugh and we joke about it because he already know what time it is being comfortable. That's to me, that's the only way that you're going to be comfortable and that's the only way that I'm going to be comfortable if we are genuine friends and we are at our 100% honest. And that brings me to the point where you said, like you would alter your personality just a little bit because you know you're not quite sure what that person, if that person is around for the right reasons, and that type of thing.

Speaker 2: 19:18

And the other thing that I have learned would be and this is what I'm just going to say as my final thing, because there's many, many things I've learned in relationships If I feel a particular way about it, speak to my partner about it. Do not internalize it and don't let it fester internally. If he said something to me that I didn't like, if I'm upset in that moment, it's not going to be said correctly, and I'm someone like, sometimes like I'm so in that moment, it's not going to be said correctly and I'm someone like sometimes like I'm so straightforward, like it comes off wrong. So I would probably wait a little while and be like, hey, babe, you know you said this to me and you really made me feel bad. This is how, and you know that.

Speaker 2: 19:56

That then brings some level of communication and that's why I need someone that is willing and open to be honest, be my friend and communicate with me the way that I need to be communicated, and also vice versa on my end. So those are some things that I've learned being in relationships. I'm not perfect and I also learned that I'm not perfect and women we and we women have a lot of flaws Like women are not perfect and we blame guys a lot. Lot of flaws like women are not perfect and we blame guys a lot. But we have a role to play in how our relationship on our romantic relationships, go, whether it ends up being positive or even whether it ends up being negative.

Speaker 1: 20:35

So that's what I've learned yeah, and I agree, and piggybacking even from the communicating standpoint. You know, knowing what your attachment style is, because I've had to. I had to learn that from my therapist, because you know I was dating someone and they weren't as present as I need them to be Because I'm a big communicator. Like for me, you can do your thing. I'm not saying we need to talk 15 million times in a day because we are busy with our lives. We have jobs. Don't get me wrong. I personally cannot be with someone who cannot check in.

Speaker 2: 21:04

Like a week should not go by and I haven't heard from you. Well, if a week is going by and you haven't heard from your partner, then you and that person are not in a relationship, unless that person is in jail.

Speaker 1: 21:09

Like, a week or an entire weekend cannot essentially go by and I not hear from you without you telling me, hey, this weekend is going to be, you know, like without giving me a notice based on what is happening. And I've had to deal with that and I found myself becoming more and more anxious and I'm like what is going on? You know, finally, I had an anxious attachment style as well, but now that I'm reflecting, I'm thinking that that essentially came about to an extent because of, again, the individual probably was not giving me what I wanted by way of time and these different things, and I did not in the beginning, did not quite communicate that. And then, when I started communicating, you know how I was feeling that person could not receive, was not receptive to what I was trying to communicate, because I wasn't commenting on the person or anything.

Speaker 1: 21:54

You know, it's just a matter of if we're going to be in this together. We have to understand that there's a level, there's like an expectation that is set, you know, for us, but it is what it is. You know, at the end of the day, you live and you learn and you have to realize that you know, think about your desires and your wants and needs, because too many times as women, sometimes we tend to cower because you know, oh yeah, I like this guy, or we fall in love with the potential and the potential be killing us, okay the potential have us in a chokehold.

Speaker 2: 22:19

Well, that's what the young people be saying. Now we date, we are literally in a relationship saying, okay, he is eventually, he is event or she is eventually, she is eventually, like people are dating for potential and the thing about it is an older, a more mature lady had, she told me, you can date for potential, but she's like she don't really know if she totally agrees with with that, with that, with that statement, because half the time it ends up we end up being disappointed, depending on the person and their personality or just the scenario of the particular situation, and with your situation, like I personally feel like it's also expectations and boundaries, and not even expectation and boundaries is standards. When you meet someone, what is your initial standard that you are presenting to them? Because, as a human being, I don't know if it's okay for me to not talk to you for a week. I've done it when I first met you.

Speaker 2: 23:21

You never, never said anything, so it's okay, it's automatically okay. Or I've said something to you that you didn't really like and you didn't hold me up or say, hey, I really don't like when you spoke to me in this particular way, so I'm going to do it again and I'm going to do it again. You're still not going to say anything, I'm going to do this again. So at that point you would not have put down your foot or say, hey, this is the situation. So you would have lacked communication, or I would have lacked communication in those instances because I'm not communicating how I truly feel about this person speaking to me or doing something that I really don't like. So is it really an attachment style, or is it us just not being vocal enough or being afraid to be vocal enough because we like this person so much?

Speaker 1: 24:08

No, that's a good question too. Sometimes, again, we're not open and clear Acceptance. You often ask me what are you accepting? What are your standards? You know what I mean. I think the minute that we realize what we're willing to accept and that's what I had to learn Like I said, I always end up having to learn things the hard way. But once I learned that lesson, honey, there's no going back. I'm an A student when it comes to that. Because, no, you realize at some point in time you deserve better in life.

Speaker 1: 24:37

Like, why are we getting into dating people or getting into relationships where people are not valuing us what we are? It has to be a 50, 50 or whatever the terms that the young people are saying, or 80 I don't know what they be saying, but you know it has to be equal. We have to be, when we talk about equally yoked, that's important too. Like you know, you mentioned earlier wanting someone who believes in a higher power, who has this quality, who is nice. We have to be equally yoked and I think many of us sometimes we're not equally yoked with the partner that we choose sometimes, and that's okay I know, and the thing about it is what's?

Speaker 2: 25:07

what's kind of sad in romantic relationships is that we know we're not equally yoked with the person. We're still trying to make fetch happen, like yeah, like you were trying to make fetch a thing, when we know that fetch is not fetching like.

Speaker 2: 25:23

Like it's not a thing. So I think, and I think that is why, again, dating for potential, right, because you're hoping that things change, you know, you're hoping that it becomes a thing, You're hoping that what you want god is going to give you today, when you know god already told you this is not the person or the higher. The universe already said, uh, too much things have happened in the beginning of this situation. This is, this is uh. There are red flags here, you know and it may not be red flags that you and that person may, in the future, can potentially be together, but for right now, and what you want, uh, it's not for you right now, yeah, yeah, half the time we don't listen to, or we don't. We see the red flag, but we just ignore them because we're human.

Speaker 1: 26:14

So not for me, because in in my mind I'm like, oh yeah, I can turn that red flag because for some reason, for some reason listen for some reason in my delusional ass mind before younger me, I'd be like, oh, oh yeah, I can change or fix this person. But again, that's another one With males. Girl, listen, young and naive, okay, but now that you're older now I'm older and wiser you realize at the end of the day, even when you want to be with someone or you love a person, you have to accept them for who they are. And the minute you start thinking about wanting to change certain aspects about them, then that person obviously is not the right fit for you, because they shouldn't want to have to change a person drastically. You know what?

Speaker 2: 26:51

I mean, yeah, with males, and I'm saying with males because I think women, we, we will conform, we will, we will, I feel, women a little bit more fluid. We will, you know, we'll, we'll, we'll change, we'll work towards it, we'll work towards it aggressively. You know, men, and one of the things that I've learned is, in life, just in general, is never try to change people. Accept people for who they are. And when the moment you start doing that, life becomes so much easier. Right, just accepting people for who they are, if you've realized that that person is not for you, it's time for them to go. But accept that person for who they are in the moment that they can give you whatever it is they need to give you at that moment. So, girl, man, man, men, don't change for nobody. They will change when they want to change.

Speaker 1: 27:44

For that person that they want to change for. They will change when they want to change For that person that they want to change for.

Speaker 2: 27:46

And people will change for the people that they want to. Yes, and I wouldn't even say that it's a change. I think people treat and I'm a big advocate of this. Everybody is treated differently in life. You and I can have the same partner and that person is going to treat the both of us. When I say completely different, it would be like night and day, or it'd be like day and day. It'd be like a sunny day, a rainy day or a cloudy day, like people just treat everybody differently, like, and that's where men treat women differently no, I and I think for me.

Speaker 1: 28:23

I wonder again, I'm a romantic girlie. I like to be in relationships, whatever the case may be. But my question to you is do you think because for me let me take it back experiencing, but in a long-term relationship, and then that coming to an end and you're just like, wow, you didn't imagine that being your story. But then you also had to make the decision to choose yourself and what you wanted, because why continue to be in something where you've expressed your desires and not much is being changed in that moment? You can only do that for so long, and then you experience a heartbreak and you're having to pick yourself up and start all over and whatnot. Have your views on love and relationship changed over time?

Speaker 2: 29:05

Yes, it has. I yeah, I think as I got older I got more insight on how hard relationships are. And it has, because I think with each year that passes, I see how difficult relationships can be. I see how I'm like I said, I'm single and it's very hard and very difficult dating. And but one of the things that I've learned, or I've I've grown into, is I have a better relationship with wanting romantic relationships, if that makes any sort of sense. And I'm saying that because I know.

Speaker 2: 29:46

I feel like I now know who I am and what exactly I want, and I also view people. You know you are who you are. You are going to be who you are going to be. Now am I going to accept or not, you know, and if I do accept, then I already know what I'm accepting. So I think I have I've grown um with my view and my perspective on romantic relationships and I think it has been good. I think that everybody everybody's not going to be married, everybody's not going to have that white picket fence life.

Speaker 2: 30:26

I do believe in love. I think that love is out there. I love to see you know people who are genuinely in love and have like a good and healthy relationship. I think that we can all get that but in the same breath it's probably just gonna take, probably just going to take some of us longer to navigate that than other people. And one of the things that I think I'm learning about my views on love and relationships is that whole aspect of friendship in my relationship and communication in my relationship and communicating effectively, you know, making sure that I'm I, I am communicating the right way and not the wrong way.

Speaker 2: 31:12

So, yeah, my views on love have changed. At one point I was like this thing is a hot mess and, don't get me wrong, it is still a hot mess. But I think that with every with as I get older, I am becoming more in tune. I read a lot of books. You know. I read that book on love languages. I haven't read the one for couples, I'm about to read that one but I did read the one on being on sing, on being single or singles, love languages or whatever, whatever. And you know, I think as you get older you become more mature, your mind should grow, you should develop and to be intentional about changing my views on love, you know, and I think for me I've been very intentional about that. So, because I have been more intentional about it, I have had a change on how I view love and how I view relationships.

Speaker 1: 32:09

For me, I think, if I could tell myself one thing going forward is to take things slow, like you know. I know you mentioned about being friends with your partner, and that's the same that I desire, because, again, I'm a romance girly and the minute I have strong feelings for you, I'm thinking about our future, tonya know I'm a romance girly and the minute I have strong feelings for you, I'm thinking about our future.

Speaker 2: 32:29

Tonya, I'm a slow girl. I like to take it slow. Let me tell you, I be taking it so slow that after a while the guy would probably be like you know what? She's taking it too slow for my liking. But some guys they would be like, ah, she's taking it too, so she's not interested. So you kind of do have to know how slow to take it. But I'm gonna let you finish your point.

Speaker 1: 32:47

But I'm a slow, I'm a slow girl I need to get into the slow girly bag because for me, the minute I have strong feelings for you and we're talking and you know you're saying the right thing and I I can, again sometimes I have to really check my heart pressure when it comes to feeling somebody's energy. But that's besides the the point. When I really have feelings for you, I'm thinking, okay, now I'm locked in, I'm not thinking about, oh, hey, then you go talk to somebody else, you know, during that dating time, because, again, me and dating, we don't go, so I'm not exploring, I'm not exploring options, like you know. Oh, yeah, I have two guys I'm dating right now, like that try. But for me, I want my view when it comes to love and relationship, just to take my time, yeah, to genuinely get to know a person, because sometimes you think you know a person in that short space of time and sometimes you know it can work out. Because I got into a relationship that lasted eight and a half years and that relationship started really, really fast, like within a month and a half or two. You know we got together and then it lasted eight years. Sadly it ended. But whatever the case may be, but for me, going forward.

Speaker 1: 33:47

I think, when it comes to relationships, I'm going in with intention as well, so like deep intention, as what I want from this relationship or this potential partnership.

Speaker 1: 33:57

Take it slow, not as slow as you, but slow enough, because I mean, again, I'm giving you the same boat, so I need to get into like the 800 1500 meters kind of race when it comes to a relationship, because I'm I'll be too fast. Listen, I'm the record holder, honey. Okay, I'm the record holder. So now I know I gotta get back into slowing down, really staying my pace to really and truly get to know a person, develop that friendship and just see where it leads, and that you know, going with an open mind, because I think I go into things wanting that. Oh, I want that future, I want xyz and you know, again, the person have nice qualities and then they have the potential. So you know, you're trying to merge that. So I think for me, my views right now is just to take things to and also understand that relationships really and truly require a lot of effort and compromise, and I think sometimes we forget that it really does require a lot of effort.

Speaker 2: 34:48

It does require a lot of effort, but I think if you and someone click, the effort wouldn't. Wouldn't feel like effort, like it's not gonna feel like I'm putting in all this effort. You know what I mean. Like, yes, maybe if it's like a long distance relationship or if it's like a a different state, like we're in two different states and we kind of have to put in the effort to communicate and to see each other. But sometimes I feel like if you and someone really click and the person is interested in you, let me tell you something one thing I learned about love relationships is when someone is interested in you, you don't even have to do anything. Sometimes, like, if someone is genuinely interested in you, they'll make time.

Speaker 2: 35:31

And when our parents used to tell us back in the day, people make time for what they want. It's a true and factual thing. In friendships, in relationships, in whatever ship, in situationships, whatever ships that we're in, in your work relationship, whatever it is, people make time to answer the people that they want to. People make time to be with the people that they want to, to hang on to the people that they want to. Just always remember that people make time, and you're not the only girl that does what you say. You're doing like you you say in both relationships. I think a lot of people do that and I just, I'm just not on that tip. But I am coming off of the slow tip because you know, you know the little snail. I'm coming to come, I'm coming to come, honey.

Speaker 1: 36:20

No, but I mean, sometimes you got to protect yourself at the same time, but I also have to be more vulnerable and open and trust that things will will work out, and even if it doesn't, then that's fine yeah, but the thing about me, I think the reason why.

Speaker 2: 36:34

So I will snail in a relationship that I'm not a hundred, a hundred percent sure about the person and I will use say I wouldn't use it. I have never used saying both head in anything, but I would admit I don't know who the middle person is, but I have middle. I have come third in the. You say both race.

Speaker 1: 36:53

So you're giving a dressing gatling then, or tyson, okay so I have done that in.

Speaker 2: 36:58

But I think I've done that when I'm comfortable. Because once you've made me comfortable enough, like and I feel good about you and I have just a good vibe about you, then of course I'm not gonna take forever. But if it's someone that's a little bit iffy, yo, I will stay my way through. If you and half and 99% of the time the guy would be like you're not interested in me and I'm like it's not that I wasn't interested in you, you were not interested in me enough because you like it's not that I wasn't interested in you, you were not interested in me enough because you didn't even show me that you were interested in me. Like that you know. Like I would still message the person first, like I'm not on that whole. Oh, he needs to message me first every single time. Like we're adults, like do that things when you're in your early 20s and in high school, but yeah, no, I get that.

Speaker 1: 37:44

I get that. We got it. It just takes one one day at a time. And, as we get ready to wrap up, I want us to leave and talk about boundaries and and trust, like how do you establish and maintain healthy boundaries in a relationship that?

Speaker 2: 37:59

is such a difficult thing because boundaries can come off as you not being open or you not being you telling your partner no, but I think that's where it comes off, as when you're dating, you definitely have to. That's where it comes about, like you being friends with that person and you genuinely getting to know the person, because if in that friendship or that beginning dating stage, there are things that you know you don't like, you should be able to set boundaries then and there, because you're looking at that person, like, yeah, I want this person as my man, but I also know that this person we're friends first and for me, I've learned in life that everything needs a boundary, like because people are human and people will take advantage of you the moment they get the opportunity to do that, and so I think it's about, maybe not even maybe. I think it's really about you staying true to yourself more than anything. So maintaining that and establishing that should be something that is true to you. If you genuinely know that you do not like something or you do not appreciate a type of disrespect, that should definitely be something that you look at. It's not about my relationship at this point. It's about how that person is disrespecting me, or how that person is belittling me, or how that person is being emotionally or verbally abusive to me, and loving yourself first, because at the end of the day, we are here speaking about romantic relationships, but if we do not love ourselves, then obviously we won't have no boundaries.

Speaker 2: 39:48

And then when we do get those boundaries, the person is looking on you like where the where the hell did this come from? You know? So I think for me, it's always me staying true to myself first, knowing that if I speak up about this, then the person would have already known that she's not going to put up for this. And if I have not spoken about it, then I should, because it's not. It's. It's about how you're making me feel as a person, and it's not to be combative or aggressive with it, but it's just knowing that, hey, this girl have a boundary and she does not play when it comes to certain things, and I'm either going to be here for it or I'm not going to be here for it. And so I think it.

Speaker 2: 40:30

I think, where it comes to establishing and maintaining boundaries, I think it starts with you and what your standards are as a person, to then set those boundaries. I think it really begins with you and maintaining it should just be something that you are willing, you want to do, because it's going to come natural that if someone is doing something that you don't like or whatever the case may be that you're able to say, okay, this is where, yeah, this is where I'm not. You've done this, this, this, this. Yeah, this is not, I'm not doing this, doing this right. So I think for me, it starts with the person and establishing it should be from onset, because we see things in people from the the moment we have that first dinner, lunch, drinks, a walk in the park. We see things in people and over the period of time, I'm building that relationship, yeah. So I think establishing it should start with you.

Speaker 1: 41:27

Maintaining it should always it's you, yeah, it ultimately comes down to you, and I think, setting boundaries and not being afraid, not being afraid of losing that person.

Speaker 1: 41:39

Because if it's meant to be, or if that person is the one for you, they'll be able to respect and this goes just outside of any romantic, just in general, if a person cannot respect your boundaries, then they don't need to be in your life. And that's coming from someone who's always moved the goalposts when it comes to setting boundaries, because, again, it's important. When you set boundaries, I feel like it's essential for a healthy relationship. Throughout this whole episode we've been talking about, we've been talking about, you know, communicating. So once we're able to communicate our limits early on and also respect our partner's boundaries as well, you know, over a period of time, we'll be able to build that trust. And, of course, you know, consistency and honesty will be key as well when it comes to building trust yeah, because it's not about this is not about men only.

Speaker 2: 42:28

As a woman, some women take advantage of men and some and women we can be very aggressive sometimes, you know, and sometimes we take advantage of someone's kindness, we take advantage of how that person is truly into us, and sometimes I be looking at guys like where is your boundary, honey? Like why are you allowing someone to treat you this way? Or to this is not what. This is how y'all establish this relationship.

Speaker 1: 42:58

Guys, she has asked me that question several times. When I was going through one of the things that I was going through, I'm like girl listen, no, but it's true.

Speaker 2: 43:07

And it's the same thing with women. Same thing. I'll ask a guy I've asked guys that too I'm like dude, are you sick? Why are you lying? I treat you like you don't deserve to be treated like this.

Speaker 2: 43:19

And personally, for me, if I'm talking to a guy and I can have a very strong personality like I can be very aggressive or some people would say assertive and if I'm talking to a guy and I can have a very strong personality, like I can be very aggressive or some people would say assertive and if I realize that you as a guy don't have no boundaries, you're not the one for me. You need to be able to be like babe, you're overdoing it now, oh my gosh. No, you know, like not saying to be aggressive and stuff, but you should be able to have some boundaries to be like okay, this is where I draw the line. You know you can't be flirty, flirty with people like no, this is where I draw the line here. You know, michelle, no, or tanya, no, or whoever the guy is is the same thing.

Speaker 2: 43:55

A woman should be like no, this is where I draw the line with this friendship, this girl friendship you have with this, this person. So that's what I'm saying. Like when you get into a relationship with someone or you even start talking to that person, it doesn't matter if you're male or female. You should be able to be like no, this is my job to lie and this is not gonna. If this is what you want to do, then this is not gonna work.

Speaker 1: 44:16

It doesn't make me feel comfortable yeah, but you know, relationships can be beautiful relationships are so beautiful and healthy relationships are so, so beautiful.

Speaker 2: 44:27

And I think a lot of times we need to realize as well that no one's perfect relationship and perfection is not a thing. We're human, we have flaws, but are we equally yoked that we are good enough to say, hey, let's sit down and talk about it, flash it out, move on, you know? Or if that person is not treating me right I don't want to be treated like this and that person is not budging, it's time for me to go, you know. So relationships are good. I love to see love, I love it.

Speaker 1: 45:00

Yeah, you know it's. It's a journey of learning and growing together. So if you guys do not take away anything from what me and Michelle said today, you know you want to communicate, set proper boundaries, do not move them like how I do, and trust, trust the process and definitely be kind to yourself and, of course, your partner if you are to be in a relationship. So it starts with self-love, ok, yeah, it does Well thank you for being here, Michelle. Let the people know where they can find you.

Speaker 2: 45:30

No problem. So you guys can find me on YouTube, instagram, and I double-double TikTok, still trying to get my TikTok career off the ground. Fish me a whiz, but it's officially Michelle. So it's not it. It me a whiz, but it's officially Michelle, so it's not it, it's just officially Michelle on all platforms, and that's how you guys can find me, all right. Well, thanks for being here, no problem. Thank you so much for having me and I will hopefully talk to you guys soon. All right, bye, bye.

Speaker 1: 46:04

Thank you for joining me for another episode of Tea with Tanya. If you liked this episode, be sure to share it with a friend. Don't forget to follow on Instagram at Tea with Tanya podcast. Be sure to subscribe to the weekly Tea Talk newsletter and, of course, rate on Apple or Spotify and subscribe wherever you listen. See you next time. I love you for listening.